I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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