Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
