I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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