Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
