Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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