You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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