Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She just used a chaser for red wine.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
