Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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