i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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