What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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