Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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