I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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