I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
dude. I can hear the air.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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