my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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