It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
