Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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