So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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