My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize