Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
it's like iHOP with fire
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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