while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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