Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
