She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
