Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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