i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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