just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
