Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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