I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
