i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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