i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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