When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
