I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
