my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
