I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
