I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
