YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
