He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
