Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
