I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
