Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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