yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
