I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
