Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
