Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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