Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
