I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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