My ATM looks so different sober.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
