He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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