I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
