omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
