I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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