i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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