how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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