thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
