He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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