I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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