It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
the condom got lost in my hair
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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