I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It's just like the Real World with babies
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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