What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
