I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
