I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
