and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
